Some lessons from my life - Part Three

Today is the third part of this somewhat lengthy story about a lesson the Lord taught me about 'letting go'. I've been sharing the story about my 'empty nest' experience with my daughter, Sara; however, the principles I'm about to share can be generalized out to many different life scenarios. It would probably be helpful to read the previous two posts (if you haven't already) in order to fully understand this one.

I'd like to repeat my previous disclaimer: I'm not trying to make a blanket statement about this issue. I'm simply sharing my experience and what the Holy Spirit taught me about the process. Not every situation/person is the same and I'm not foolish enough to think this information is the answer to human suffering everywhere. Pray and ask God what He's wanting to say to you as you read, because you aren't here by accident!


The Revelation Came To Me

Sara had graduated from high school and moved halfway across the country to complete a gap-year internship prior to starting college. I was so EMPTY. She was so EXCITED. I missed her so much and wanted to talk to her every day; she, however, did not seem to feel that same urgency to stay connected on that level. It was like pulling teeth to get her to talk to me! I have to say that I started getting a complex. I know that Sara loves me, but there seemed to be a HUGE disparity here! Why am I so tortured, and why does she not seem to be bothered a bit by this major life-change? Is there something wrong with me? Why was I sooooo distraught, and Sara so seemingly ‘unaffected’?

It did not have anything to do with my ‘performance’ as a parent (orphan thinking!), or her opinion of me or love for me, or lack of love for me. The Holy Spirit explained it to me: It had everything to do with identity.

Being a parent of a child carries what I will call a 'dimension of identity' with it. A large portion of a parent's life is being, in my case, 'mom'. The child is the nucleus of the parents life. Pretty much everything revolves around fulfilling the obligation to be a parent. We work to provide food, shelter, necessities. We choose our dwelling based on factors such as the school district, the neighborhood, number of bedrooms, and so forth. We put window decals on our cars that say, 'My child is an honor student at Main Street School'. We arrange our schedules around soccer practice and music lessons. We have t-shirts made that say 'Soccer Mom' and get those photo buttons made with a picture of our child and - much to their dismay - wear them in public. We want the world to know that 'I am (insert name)'s mom'! Much of our identity comes from our function as a parent. A parent's function is multi-faceted: Train up a child in the way they should go, provide for their spiritual, physical, emotional needs; nurture, teach, care, advise, direct, support, discipline, love, encourage, protect. For the most part, being a parent IS our LIFE.

(Side note: this 'dimension of identity' is a bit different between a mom and a dad. But there isn't space to address that in this blog.)

However, being a child of a parent does not carry the same 'dimension of identity'. A child's life does not revolve around the fact that they are our children. Their lives do not revolve around their obligation to be a child - there is no such thing. I've never seen a t-shirt that says 'Child of a soccer mom'. We see t-shirts that say "My Mom is the Best Mom in the World" - but usually on infants or smaller children who are dressed by their mom (because that is a reflection of what we want to be). I've never seen a child display a sign on their locker that says, 'Proud son of the employee of the month at Acme Industries'. I've never seen a kid proudly wear a big photo button with picture of their parents on it. If a child should happen to arrange their life around the schedule of a parent, it is out of necessity and not an obligation to function as a child. Their function as a child is simple: learn and grow up and become an independent adult.

So, this is the heartbreak of empty nest defined: When Sara walked away from me to get on that plane, a HUGE part of MY IDENTITY walked away with her. Because 'Sara's mom' was who I was. But, when Sara walked away from me to get on that plane, she did not leave a large part of HER IDENTITY behind. No, she wasn't walking AWAY from her identity; she was running TOWARD it. She wasn't leaving behind who she was, she was running toward who she was becoming.

This is why I was so heartbroken. This is why she was so excited. It really had nothing to do with desire, or lack of desire, respectively. My purpose as a parent of a minor child had ended. Her purpose as a young adult had just begun. The moment I dreaded was the moment she longed for. The disparity that plagued my soul had nothing to do with performance or quality of relationship. It had everything to do with identity.

So what does this have to do with you? I'll tell you next time in the conclusion of this story. I told you before that this principle could generalize out into many life different scenarios. In my next post I'll tie up all of the loose ends - I promise. Well, at least most of the loose ends. I hope you will read on.