Matthew 3:13-14, Amplified Bible
13Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to John to be baptized by him.
14But John protested strenuously, having in mind to prevent Him, saying, It is I who have need to be baptized by You, and do You come to me?
Jesus was getting ready to take the plunge - not just into the water, but right down in the midst of our humanity. John made a presumptuous judgment regarding what he thought Jesus, as the Son of God, should and should not be doing. But in His baptism, Jesus was partaking in the human experience. Although he thought he was honoring Jesus, John was hindering Jesus in fulfilling His mission because of wrong thinking.
We put the same kind of limitations on Jesus today, when we fail to pray and ask Him to come and take the plunge into the midst of our humanity. He is not a God who far out there and detached when it comes to the affairs of our lives. Jesus Himself tells us in Matthew 10:30 that 'the very hairs of your head are all numbered" - is THAT a picture of a God who is disinterested in us? What's so important about the hairs of our heads that He would know that number?
Holy Spirit moment: As I typed that last question, He asked me a question:
Do you know how many hairs are on your head?
Um, no……
So that just goes to show you that I am aware of the minutest details of your life that you yourself do not even know. WOW.
He is not pointing out his 'hair-counting superiority' here. Do you see what He is saying to you just now? There are issues and details and situations in our lives of which we have no knowledge as of yet. There are things deep down on the inside of us and circumstances that have not yet been brought to light. Things that we cannot even pray about because we aren't even aware of them yet! But He knows of them already! He didn't say that some of our hairs are numbered. He said ALL. There is NOTHING about our lives that does not show up in His accounting!
Nugget: If He is so in tune to us that He knows the exact number of hairs on our head and the situations in our lives that have not yet been brought to light, then how much more is He aware of the concerns and situations that live in the forefront of our minds? The ones that we SHOULD be praying about but don't, because we don't think they are important enough issues that Jesus is really concerned about?
We hesitate to pray over things that are, in our estimation, not big enough of a deal to bother God about. How presumptuous is THAT! In my opinion, knowing the exact number of hairs on my head does not seem like an important statistic for the God of the universe to be tracking! I'm thinking that the global economic crisis and war in the Middle East are a couple of topics that He should be more concerned about! Obviously, He does not feel the same way. Either I'm wrong, or He's wrong…I'm guessing that maybe I'm the one that's wrong!
So stop protesting and having a mind to prevent Jesus from being Jesus in your life because of wrong thinking. Don't be afraid to talk to God about the things in your life that are troubling you! It's not like it will be a news flash to Him, since He knows it all already. Obviously, He cares enough about you to know the intimate details…so don't stop Him from taking the plunge right into the midst of your humanity!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Conclusion...Some lessons learned from my life, Part Four
The following is the conclusion to a four-part series...I suggest you read the previous three so that this one makes sense to you. Click on "more posts" at the bottom of the page to find the older ones.
Letting Go
So, I’ve come to the place that I’m ok with Sara being off on her own…not that I don’t miss her terribly! It’s official - we miss each other, but we have made some adjustments and are learning to function in our new place of relationship! My recent missions trip to South Africa and Kenya really helped to push me over the edge (in a good way). What does the trip have to do with any of this? Plain and simple (and somewhat painful to admit): it put me in a place where my focus was no longer on myself, but was shifted onto God’s focus.
I’ve just shared with you the key to being able to let go of whatever it is that you need to let go of in your life. Shifting your focus to God’s focus. Pastor Steve used to tell me many years ago, “Don’t hold on to anything so tightly that you can’t let go of it in a moment’s notice, if God asks you to let it go.” How many things are we holding onto so tightly that we couldn’t let go of them? Material things? Relationships? Finances? Dreams? Titles? Ministries?
We have far more idols than we are willing to admit.
The bad thing is that most of the time, we don’t even realize it.
What's YOUR idol?
I had NO IDEA that so much of my identity was being “Sara’s mom”. I wasn’t even one of the obsessive moms who had to have their hands in every single thing going on. It’s not even that I didn’t understand that Sara belonged to God and I was just a steward. I understood that very well…probably better than most parents. But being a parent is so ingrained into every part of our life that it becomes like breathing: you don’t really notice it until it stops. Then panic sets in!
The same identity principle is applicable to many different areas: toxic relationships, addictions, even having a victim mentality. Many, many people seek deliverance but are unable to walk in it because of the identity crisis that ensues in their souls. If you were victimized as a child and grew up with that label, then it is really, really hard to break out of it as an adult. God can heal the wounds in your heart, but without a renewed mind that transforms “victim thinking” into “victorious thinking”, you will end up right back in the same emotional mess where you started. Even addictions are often hard to overcome because being an addict has become a part of your identity. The people you hang out with, places you go, and things you do as the result of your addiction become a part of your identity. Remove the addiction and everything that goes with it, and there goes your identity. Many people receive deliverance from the physiological part of the addiction, but just can’t renew their minds. Their focus is on their perceived loss, and not on the promises of God and the purpose of their lives in the kingdom of God.
Take a look at toxic relationships. There are people who bounce from one toxic relationship to another, because they find their identities in a relationship with the opposite sex. Women go from living with an abusive father to living with an abusive husband, many times because their identity is that of a victim of abuse. Break up with one person this week, and move in with a new one next week. Why? Many reasons, but I'm convinced that a big part of it is that the people involved don't know who they are as a single person. They cannot find their identity outside of being a 'significant other'. As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly. (Proverbs 26:11, Amplified Bible)
It’s not only just the ‘negative’ things that can envelop our identities. It can be a job (that GOD gave you), a ministry (that GOD called you to), a spouse (that GOD gave you)…the list can go on and on. I think that the reason that many people fizzle out upon retirement is because they have lost the identity that their careers provided. And, on the flip side, I wonder how many people are afraid to retire because their careers have become their identity – and they don’t know who they are without it. We have all heard stories about a widow(er) who passed away shortly after their longtime spouse passed away. People like to chalk it up to grief, but I'm not so sure. I think that in many cases it's because the loss of the spouse resulted in the loss of the survivor's identity. There have also been stories of wealthy people who have taken their own lives because they lost their ‘fortune’. Their ‘fortune’ had become their identity.
Jesus dealt with a rich young ruler in Luke 18 who had asked Him what he needed to do to inherit eternal life. Jesus listed out some of the ten commandments, and the young man replied that he had kept all of them, from his youth. But then Jesus took the challenge from the ‘obedience’ level to the ‘identity level’:
22 So when Jesus heard these things, He said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
23 But when he heard this, he became very sorrowful, for he was very rich.
I wonder if it wasn’t so much a money issue as it was an identity issue. His identity was wrapped up in his reputation as a wealthy man and his social status. Jesus knew that it was a heart issue for this young man. The man held onto it so tightly that he couldn’t let it go, not even to gain eternal life. But lets not be too quick to point fingers at the wealthy. Oftentimes the poor are worse than the rich when it comes to having their circumstance define their identity!
Is there anything that you are holding onto so tightly that you could not let it go in a moment’s notice, if God required it of you?
To be honest, I don’t have some 5-step plan that you can follow which guarantees success in this area. As I’ve stated from the beginning, every person is different and every situation is different. We all have to work it out on our own, through a relationship with Jehovah God. He promised that His Holy Spirit would teach us all things, and only He has the answers. Our job as ministers is to point the way to Him and to give biblical counsel to help you along on your life's journey.(If you need some help with this part, I can point you in the right direction! Just email me!) Even if you have made a mess of your life, it is NEVER too late! The bible says that He can make the crooked places straight!
I know these posts have been long, but I really didn't know how to make it any more concise without losing some of the story. I've really enjoyed sharing a part of my life with you! More than that, it's my prayer that the Holy Spirit has brought things to your attention in your own life, to help you to begin to renew your mind. We ALL have things in our lives that try to define our identity. We need to shift our focus off of ourselves and onto whatever it is that God's focus is upon! Let HIM define your identity!
Thanks for reading along and I hope that you come back for more! :)
Letting Go
So, I’ve come to the place that I’m ok with Sara being off on her own…not that I don’t miss her terribly! It’s official - we miss each other, but we have made some adjustments and are learning to function in our new place of relationship! My recent missions trip to South Africa and Kenya really helped to push me over the edge (in a good way). What does the trip have to do with any of this? Plain and simple (and somewhat painful to admit): it put me in a place where my focus was no longer on myself, but was shifted onto God’s focus.
I’ve just shared with you the key to being able to let go of whatever it is that you need to let go of in your life. Shifting your focus to God’s focus. Pastor Steve used to tell me many years ago, “Don’t hold on to anything so tightly that you can’t let go of it in a moment’s notice, if God asks you to let it go.” How many things are we holding onto so tightly that we couldn’t let go of them? Material things? Relationships? Finances? Dreams? Titles? Ministries?
We have far more idols than we are willing to admit.
The bad thing is that most of the time, we don’t even realize it.
What's YOUR idol?
I had NO IDEA that so much of my identity was being “Sara’s mom”. I wasn’t even one of the obsessive moms who had to have their hands in every single thing going on. It’s not even that I didn’t understand that Sara belonged to God and I was just a steward. I understood that very well…probably better than most parents. But being a parent is so ingrained into every part of our life that it becomes like breathing: you don’t really notice it until it stops. Then panic sets in!
The same identity principle is applicable to many different areas: toxic relationships, addictions, even having a victim mentality. Many, many people seek deliverance but are unable to walk in it because of the identity crisis that ensues in their souls. If you were victimized as a child and grew up with that label, then it is really, really hard to break out of it as an adult. God can heal the wounds in your heart, but without a renewed mind that transforms “victim thinking” into “victorious thinking”, you will end up right back in the same emotional mess where you started. Even addictions are often hard to overcome because being an addict has become a part of your identity. The people you hang out with, places you go, and things you do as the result of your addiction become a part of your identity. Remove the addiction and everything that goes with it, and there goes your identity. Many people receive deliverance from the physiological part of the addiction, but just can’t renew their minds. Their focus is on their perceived loss, and not on the promises of God and the purpose of their lives in the kingdom of God.
Take a look at toxic relationships. There are people who bounce from one toxic relationship to another, because they find their identities in a relationship with the opposite sex. Women go from living with an abusive father to living with an abusive husband, many times because their identity is that of a victim of abuse. Break up with one person this week, and move in with a new one next week. Why? Many reasons, but I'm convinced that a big part of it is that the people involved don't know who they are as a single person. They cannot find their identity outside of being a 'significant other'. As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly. (Proverbs 26:11, Amplified Bible)
It’s not only just the ‘negative’ things that can envelop our identities. It can be a job (that GOD gave you), a ministry (that GOD called you to), a spouse (that GOD gave you)…the list can go on and on. I think that the reason that many people fizzle out upon retirement is because they have lost the identity that their careers provided. And, on the flip side, I wonder how many people are afraid to retire because their careers have become their identity – and they don’t know who they are without it. We have all heard stories about a widow(er) who passed away shortly after their longtime spouse passed away. People like to chalk it up to grief, but I'm not so sure. I think that in many cases it's because the loss of the spouse resulted in the loss of the survivor's identity. There have also been stories of wealthy people who have taken their own lives because they lost their ‘fortune’. Their ‘fortune’ had become their identity.
Jesus dealt with a rich young ruler in Luke 18 who had asked Him what he needed to do to inherit eternal life. Jesus listed out some of the ten commandments, and the young man replied that he had kept all of them, from his youth. But then Jesus took the challenge from the ‘obedience’ level to the ‘identity level’:
22 So when Jesus heard these things, He said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
23 But when he heard this, he became very sorrowful, for he was very rich.
I wonder if it wasn’t so much a money issue as it was an identity issue. His identity was wrapped up in his reputation as a wealthy man and his social status. Jesus knew that it was a heart issue for this young man. The man held onto it so tightly that he couldn’t let it go, not even to gain eternal life. But lets not be too quick to point fingers at the wealthy. Oftentimes the poor are worse than the rich when it comes to having their circumstance define their identity!
Is there anything that you are holding onto so tightly that you could not let it go in a moment’s notice, if God required it of you?
The End of the Matter
The matter at hand for me has been the process of the empty-nest syndrome. I wish I had this understanding a few years ago! I could have started to ‘wean’ myself away a little at a time. I'm not sure it is possible to NOT have a part of your identity come from being a parent. It would be very, very difficult to sow that much of yourself into something and have it NOT become a part of you. I think that just being aware of this tendency can go a long way to help you take steps to prevent it from becoming an unhealthy situation.To be honest, I don’t have some 5-step plan that you can follow which guarantees success in this area. As I’ve stated from the beginning, every person is different and every situation is different. We all have to work it out on our own, through a relationship with Jehovah God. He promised that His Holy Spirit would teach us all things, and only He has the answers. Our job as ministers is to point the way to Him and to give biblical counsel to help you along on your life's journey.(If you need some help with this part, I can point you in the right direction! Just email me!) Even if you have made a mess of your life, it is NEVER too late! The bible says that He can make the crooked places straight!
I know these posts have been long, but I really didn't know how to make it any more concise without losing some of the story. I've really enjoyed sharing a part of my life with you! More than that, it's my prayer that the Holy Spirit has brought things to your attention in your own life, to help you to begin to renew your mind. We ALL have things in our lives that try to define our identity. We need to shift our focus off of ourselves and onto whatever it is that God's focus is upon! Let HIM define your identity!
Thanks for reading along and I hope that you come back for more! :)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Some lessons from my life - Part Three
Today is the third part of this somewhat lengthy story about a lesson the Lord taught me about 'letting go'. I've been sharing the story about my 'empty nest' experience with my daughter, Sara; however, the principles I'm about to share can be generalized out to many different life scenarios. It would probably be helpful to read the previous two posts (if you haven't already) in order to fully understand this one.
I'd like to repeat my previous disclaimer: I'm not trying to make a blanket statement about this issue. I'm simply sharing my experience and what the Holy Spirit taught me about the process. Not every situation/person is the same and I'm not foolish enough to think this information is the answer to human suffering everywhere. Pray and ask God what He's wanting to say to you as you read, because you aren't here by accident!
The Revelation Came To Me
Sara had graduated from high school and moved halfway across the country to complete a gap-year internship prior to starting college. I was so EMPTY. She was so EXCITED. I missed her so much and wanted to talk to her every day; she, however, did not seem to feel that same urgency to stay connected on that level. It was like pulling teeth to get her to talk to me! I have to say that I started getting a complex. I know that Sara loves me, but there seemed to be a HUGE disparity here! Why am I so tortured, and why does she not seem to be bothered a bit by this major life-change? Is there something wrong with me? Why was I sooooo distraught, and Sara so seemingly ‘unaffected’?
It did not have anything to do with my ‘performance’ as a parent (orphan thinking!), or her opinion of me or love for me, or lack of love for me. The Holy Spirit explained it to me: It had everything to do with identity.
Being a parent of a child carries what I will call a 'dimension of identity' with it. A large portion of a parent's life is being, in my case, 'mom'. The child is the nucleus of the parents life. Pretty much everything revolves around fulfilling the obligation to be a parent. We work to provide food, shelter, necessities. We choose our dwelling based on factors such as the school district, the neighborhood, number of bedrooms, and so forth. We put window decals on our cars that say, 'My child is an honor student at Main Street School'. We arrange our schedules around soccer practice and music lessons. We have t-shirts made that say 'Soccer Mom' and get those photo buttons made with a picture of our child and - much to their dismay - wear them in public. We want the world to know that 'I am (insert name)'s mom'! Much of our identity comes from our function as a parent. A parent's function is multi-faceted: Train up a child in the way they should go, provide for their spiritual, physical, emotional needs; nurture, teach, care, advise, direct, support, discipline, love, encourage, protect. For the most part, being a parent IS our LIFE.
(Side note: this 'dimension of identity' is a bit different between a mom and a dad. But there isn't space to address that in this blog.)
However, being a child of a parent does not carry the same 'dimension of identity'. A child's life does not revolve around the fact that they are our children. Their lives do not revolve around their obligation to be a child - there is no such thing. I've never seen a t-shirt that says 'Child of a soccer mom'. We see t-shirts that say "My Mom is the Best Mom in the World" - but usually on infants or smaller children who are dressed by their mom (because that is a reflection of what we want to be). I've never seen a child display a sign on their locker that says, 'Proud son of the employee of the month at Acme Industries'. I've never seen a kid proudly wear a big photo button with picture of their parents on it. If a child should happen to arrange their life around the schedule of a parent, it is out of necessity and not an obligation to function as a child. Their function as a child is simple: learn and grow up and become an independent adult.
So, this is the heartbreak of empty nest defined: When Sara walked away from me to get on that plane, a HUGE part of MY IDENTITY walked away with her. Because 'Sara's mom' was who I was. But, when Sara walked away from me to get on that plane, she did not leave a large part of HER IDENTITY behind. No, she wasn't walking AWAY from her identity; she was running TOWARD it. She wasn't leaving behind who she was, she was running toward who she was becoming.
This is why I was so heartbroken. This is why she was so excited. It really had nothing to do with desire, or lack of desire, respectively. My purpose as a parent of a minor child had ended. Her purpose as a young adult had just begun. The moment I dreaded was the moment she longed for. The disparity that plagued my soul had nothing to do with performance or quality of relationship. It had everything to do with identity.
So what does this have to do with you? I'll tell you next time in the conclusion of this story. I told you before that this principle could generalize out into many life different scenarios. In my next post I'll tie up all of the loose ends - I promise. Well, at least most of the loose ends. I hope you will read on.
I'd like to repeat my previous disclaimer: I'm not trying to make a blanket statement about this issue. I'm simply sharing my experience and what the Holy Spirit taught me about the process. Not every situation/person is the same and I'm not foolish enough to think this information is the answer to human suffering everywhere. Pray and ask God what He's wanting to say to you as you read, because you aren't here by accident!
The Revelation Came To Me
Sara had graduated from high school and moved halfway across the country to complete a gap-year internship prior to starting college. I was so EMPTY. She was so EXCITED. I missed her so much and wanted to talk to her every day; she, however, did not seem to feel that same urgency to stay connected on that level. It was like pulling teeth to get her to talk to me! I have to say that I started getting a complex. I know that Sara loves me, but there seemed to be a HUGE disparity here! Why am I so tortured, and why does she not seem to be bothered a bit by this major life-change? Is there something wrong with me? Why was I sooooo distraught, and Sara so seemingly ‘unaffected’?
It did not have anything to do with my ‘performance’ as a parent (orphan thinking!), or her opinion of me or love for me, or lack of love for me. The Holy Spirit explained it to me: It had everything to do with identity.
Being a parent of a child carries what I will call a 'dimension of identity' with it. A large portion of a parent's life is being, in my case, 'mom'. The child is the nucleus of the parents life. Pretty much everything revolves around fulfilling the obligation to be a parent. We work to provide food, shelter, necessities. We choose our dwelling based on factors such as the school district, the neighborhood, number of bedrooms, and so forth. We put window decals on our cars that say, 'My child is an honor student at Main Street School'. We arrange our schedules around soccer practice and music lessons. We have t-shirts made that say 'Soccer Mom' and get those photo buttons made with a picture of our child and - much to their dismay - wear them in public. We want the world to know that 'I am (insert name)'s mom'! Much of our identity comes from our function as a parent. A parent's function is multi-faceted: Train up a child in the way they should go, provide for their spiritual, physical, emotional needs; nurture, teach, care, advise, direct, support, discipline, love, encourage, protect. For the most part, being a parent IS our LIFE.
(Side note: this 'dimension of identity' is a bit different between a mom and a dad. But there isn't space to address that in this blog.)
However, being a child of a parent does not carry the same 'dimension of identity'. A child's life does not revolve around the fact that they are our children. Their lives do not revolve around their obligation to be a child - there is no such thing. I've never seen a t-shirt that says 'Child of a soccer mom'. We see t-shirts that say "My Mom is the Best Mom in the World" - but usually on infants or smaller children who are dressed by their mom (because that is a reflection of what we want to be). I've never seen a child display a sign on their locker that says, 'Proud son of the employee of the month at Acme Industries'. I've never seen a kid proudly wear a big photo button with picture of their parents on it. If a child should happen to arrange their life around the schedule of a parent, it is out of necessity and not an obligation to function as a child. Their function as a child is simple: learn and grow up and become an independent adult.
So, this is the heartbreak of empty nest defined: When Sara walked away from me to get on that plane, a HUGE part of MY IDENTITY walked away with her. Because 'Sara's mom' was who I was. But, when Sara walked away from me to get on that plane, she did not leave a large part of HER IDENTITY behind. No, she wasn't walking AWAY from her identity; she was running TOWARD it. She wasn't leaving behind who she was, she was running toward who she was becoming.
This is why I was so heartbroken. This is why she was so excited. It really had nothing to do with desire, or lack of desire, respectively. My purpose as a parent of a minor child had ended. Her purpose as a young adult had just begun. The moment I dreaded was the moment she longed for. The disparity that plagued my soul had nothing to do with performance or quality of relationship. It had everything to do with identity.
So what does this have to do with you? I'll tell you next time in the conclusion of this story. I told you before that this principle could generalize out into many life different scenarios. In my next post I'll tie up all of the loose ends - I promise. Well, at least most of the loose ends. I hope you will read on.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Some lessons from my life, Part Two
As the title reflects, this entry is part two in a series regarding some parenting issues, specifically the 'empty nest' experience; however, this nugget of truth that the Lord taught me can really apply to a lot of situations, not just the empty nest. It can also help explain why its hard to let go of many things - bad habits, toxic relationships, addictions, etc.
If you haven't read part one, it may be beneficial to scroll down and read it. I'm telling the story of the process I went through with my daughter, Sara, as the time was nearing for her to go off on her own.
Standing on the Precipice, continued from Part One
When Sara turned 16, I talked with Pastor Steve about my growing anxiety regarding her pending exodus from our household. He gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever received. He shared about his and Molly’s personal experience with their children. He said that he was blindsided when Danielle (his oldest) left, because he hadn’t prepared his heart in advance for letting her go. With Jona (his youngest), he began to prepare his heart in advance. “Start letting her go now, a little at a time, in appropriate ways. You must begin to prepare your heart now, because the next couple of years will fly by.” I didn’t want to do it…I didn’t know how to do it…but I prayed and asked God to teach me how to do it! Letting go of your children goes against every maternal instinct. I think that in a two-parent home it is easier than it is for single mothers, because the married moms have the benefit of having the balance of the father’s strength and paternal perspective. I'm really grateful to have a pastor who is willing to share his insight with the single mothers in our church!
“It” Happened
August 15, 2008. That is when “it” happened. “It” would have been hard enough to experience letting Sara go, without having just lost my job five weeks before she left, and my home the week before she left. I think I really handled it pretty well, all things considered. In a way, losing my job actually made the last five weeks before she left great, because I didn’t have to be away from her every day. We had the time to get things in order for her big move. Driving her to the airport in Columbus alone was hard, but not nearly as bad as the two-hour torture of driving back home without her. Watching her go through security by herself and then turning and walking away was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I don’t want to sound like a drama queen, but during the walk from the airport terminal to my car, I swear her entire life flashed before my eyes. I held it together until I got into my car and then I totally fell apart. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone than I did in that moment. I wish someone would have offered to come with me!
Strange as it may seem (to me, anyway), Sara did not appear to be tortured the slightest bit over this huge lifetime milestone. She is a social butterfly and was excited to embark on a new adventure. I was not sharing the same excitement, and there was absolutely no sense of adventure to be found in my heart - or anywhere else in me. Only grief and sorrow. Thank God for unlimited texting and free In-Calling! The first couple of weeks the interns were not allowed to make calls or texts except to their parents. I kept my phone with me every second of every day, just hoping to hear her voice. I started to wonder if something was wrong with her phone, because mine wasn’t ringing very much. My heart just totally sank. I would text her, and she would text me back with these really brief, one-word replies. I knew she was busy, but didn’t she miss me? Wasn’t she anxious to talk to me, like I was to her? When we did talk, there just didn’t seem to be that reciprocity of joy that I expected! (ha ha ha…I’m laughing now). She is 2000 miles away…we won’t see each other for four months…is there not ANY sorrow in Texas?!?! Maybe things would change when she got settled into her routine. NOPE. Ok…let’s set a time every week for us to talk. How about Sunday afternoons, which is guaranteed free time for her? NOPE. Her pastors/my friends, Dan and Sandee Chase, would begin to get on her case to call me. NOPE. Pulling teeth with tweezers would be easier!
I have to say that I started getting a complex. I know that Sara loves me, but there seemed to be a HUGE disparity here! Why am I so tortured, and why does she not seem to be bothered a bit by this major life-change? Is there something wrong with me? Am I really a horrible mom and she’s just glad to get away from me? Maybe I’m mentally ill! Could that be it? In my heart I didn’t really believe any of these things, but my mind was becoming the stage for this tragic portrayal of parenting gone bad. My heart was broken and my spirit was crushed…why do I feel so empty, and will this torment ever end? If I’m going to be honest (which is my goal here, because painting some kind of flawless picture of myself won’t do anyone any good and no one would believe it anyway) I’d have to say this: the fact that it didn’t bother Sara bothered me as much as anything. ORPHAN THINKING! Maybe I should have had two kids, like the Paynes, so I could let go of the first one while still having the second one to fall back on while I figured it out….(no….BAD PLAN! Ha ha).
I prayed and prayed and prayed…and finally, a few frenzied months into the process, I heard from God. I’m wondering how long the ‘hotline from heaven’ had been ringing before I took the call. Probably for some time, but I couldn’t hear it over the internal wailing in my soul. I wish I knew this wisdom going in, because it sure would have saved me a lot of grief and wasted energy agonizing over the shadow of a lie! This is one of the reasons why I'm so excited to share this with you. I'm telling you, this nugget will really, really help you in many different ways if you will heed what I'm going to say. Not because it was some bright idea of mine, but because the Lord explained it to me. He IS the 'manual'!
I'll share the nugget in my next post. I hope you will sign up to follow this blog - thanks for reading!
If you haven't read part one, it may be beneficial to scroll down and read it. I'm telling the story of the process I went through with my daughter, Sara, as the time was nearing for her to go off on her own.
Standing on the Precipice, continued from Part One
When Sara turned 16, I talked with Pastor Steve about my growing anxiety regarding her pending exodus from our household. He gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever received. He shared about his and Molly’s personal experience with their children. He said that he was blindsided when Danielle (his oldest) left, because he hadn’t prepared his heart in advance for letting her go. With Jona (his youngest), he began to prepare his heart in advance. “Start letting her go now, a little at a time, in appropriate ways. You must begin to prepare your heart now, because the next couple of years will fly by.” I didn’t want to do it…I didn’t know how to do it…but I prayed and asked God to teach me how to do it! Letting go of your children goes against every maternal instinct. I think that in a two-parent home it is easier than it is for single mothers, because the married moms have the benefit of having the balance of the father’s strength and paternal perspective. I'm really grateful to have a pastor who is willing to share his insight with the single mothers in our church!
“It” Happened
August 15, 2008. That is when “it” happened. “It” would have been hard enough to experience letting Sara go, without having just lost my job five weeks before she left, and my home the week before she left. I think I really handled it pretty well, all things considered. In a way, losing my job actually made the last five weeks before she left great, because I didn’t have to be away from her every day. We had the time to get things in order for her big move. Driving her to the airport in Columbus alone was hard, but not nearly as bad as the two-hour torture of driving back home without her. Watching her go through security by herself and then turning and walking away was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I don’t want to sound like a drama queen, but during the walk from the airport terminal to my car, I swear her entire life flashed before my eyes. I held it together until I got into my car and then I totally fell apart. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone than I did in that moment. I wish someone would have offered to come with me!
Strange as it may seem (to me, anyway), Sara did not appear to be tortured the slightest bit over this huge lifetime milestone. She is a social butterfly and was excited to embark on a new adventure. I was not sharing the same excitement, and there was absolutely no sense of adventure to be found in my heart - or anywhere else in me. Only grief and sorrow. Thank God for unlimited texting and free In-Calling! The first couple of weeks the interns were not allowed to make calls or texts except to their parents. I kept my phone with me every second of every day, just hoping to hear her voice. I started to wonder if something was wrong with her phone, because mine wasn’t ringing very much. My heart just totally sank. I would text her, and she would text me back with these really brief, one-word replies. I knew she was busy, but didn’t she miss me? Wasn’t she anxious to talk to me, like I was to her? When we did talk, there just didn’t seem to be that reciprocity of joy that I expected! (ha ha ha…I’m laughing now). She is 2000 miles away…we won’t see each other for four months…is there not ANY sorrow in Texas?!?! Maybe things would change when she got settled into her routine. NOPE. Ok…let’s set a time every week for us to talk. How about Sunday afternoons, which is guaranteed free time for her? NOPE. Her pastors/my friends, Dan and Sandee Chase, would begin to get on her case to call me. NOPE. Pulling teeth with tweezers would be easier!
I have to say that I started getting a complex. I know that Sara loves me, but there seemed to be a HUGE disparity here! Why am I so tortured, and why does she not seem to be bothered a bit by this major life-change? Is there something wrong with me? Am I really a horrible mom and she’s just glad to get away from me? Maybe I’m mentally ill! Could that be it? In my heart I didn’t really believe any of these things, but my mind was becoming the stage for this tragic portrayal of parenting gone bad. My heart was broken and my spirit was crushed…why do I feel so empty, and will this torment ever end? If I’m going to be honest (which is my goal here, because painting some kind of flawless picture of myself won’t do anyone any good and no one would believe it anyway) I’d have to say this: the fact that it didn’t bother Sara bothered me as much as anything. ORPHAN THINKING! Maybe I should have had two kids, like the Paynes, so I could let go of the first one while still having the second one to fall back on while I figured it out….(no….BAD PLAN! Ha ha).
I prayed and prayed and prayed…and finally, a few frenzied months into the process, I heard from God. I’m wondering how long the ‘hotline from heaven’ had been ringing before I took the call. Probably for some time, but I couldn’t hear it over the internal wailing in my soul. I wish I knew this wisdom going in, because it sure would have saved me a lot of grief and wasted energy agonizing over the shadow of a lie! This is one of the reasons why I'm so excited to share this with you. I'm telling you, this nugget will really, really help you in many different ways if you will heed what I'm going to say. Not because it was some bright idea of mine, but because the Lord explained it to me. He IS the 'manual'!
I'll share the nugget in my next post. I hope you will sign up to follow this blog - thanks for reading!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Some lessons from my life, Part One
This is going to be a long one, so I’m going to share it in a couple ‘parts’. Maybe three. Great suggestion from Terry and Brandon! But I think its WORTH THE READ (because it’s from HSU – Holy Spirit University- Life Campus)!!!
I’d like to expound a little about some things that God has taught me as He has walked me through being a parent and especially the PROCESS of the ‘empty nest’. It is a process that – I’ve learned- starts long before they leave. Everyone with whom I’ve shared this has told me how much it has helped them. I know several people who have kids who will be graduating this year and I’ve also shared some of these things with others whose kids are already gone, but who are struggling. If your kids younger, I still encourage you to read on. They WILL grow up - and it will happen before you know it! It’s never too early to start preparing your heart for that day. As I said, the process starts long before the senior year!
There are some other thoughts thrown in there, too ...at least in this post. Can't help the bunny trails, be it in the pulpit or on the page. :)
One last thought going in: Every parent is different, every child is different, every situation is different. I’m not foolish enough to think that what I’m about to share is the ‘across-the-board’ answer for every parent and every situation. But it was the answer for my situation, and my experience in sharing it tells me that there is something helpful that can be gleaned from this story.
The Beginning…
My daughter, Sara, is amazing. She ‘beat the statistics’ of being raised in a single-parent home. A little background for those who aren’t familiar with the story: Her father left us three times over a two-year span, starting at the age of two. He left us for the last time just before she turned four. Basically, I gave my life to the Lord, and he didn’t like that. His claim was, “I don’t want anything to do with God, or anything to do with anyone who has anything to do with God.” The ultimatum was cast – I needed to choose between being married to him or serving God. I told him that I didn’t want him to go, but there was no way I could turn my back on God. So he left. I’m not sorry…even though God hates divorce. It wasn’t my choice. But clearly I would not be the person I am today if I had not walked through what I had to walk through. God works all things together for good, for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. I’m not under bondage.
I had the most wonderful (but sometimes trying) 15 years of my life, raising my Sara. I made my fair share of mistakes just like everyone does. God graced me to be Sara’s mother, and He graced her even more to be my daughter! Her life is a testimony that ‘statistics’ only have the power over your life that you allow them to have. Stop prophesying the ‘terrible twos’ and ‘terrible teens’ over your kids – unless that is what you want for them- and for yourself. “Well, Pastor Peg, that’s easy for you to say…Sara’s temperament is not like my kid’s.” Maybe not, but you must not give your opinion more credence than what the bible says in Proverbs 18:20-21 (Amplified Bible):
20 A man's [moral] self shall be filled with the fruit of his mouth; and with the consequence of his words he must be satisfied [whether good or evil].
21Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life].
And the bunny trail begins:
Watch your words. This verse is not just about being alive (as opposed to dying)…it’s about living the life that Christ died to provide for you and your family. Nowhere in the bible do you hear about terrible twos or teens, so claim God’s promises for your kids, and stop claiming the devil’s desire for your family! I understand that all kids are born with different temperaments, but I don't believe that this fact negates what the Word of God so plainly says! Your kids hear what you say, and their spirits understand even if they are too young to really comprehend what you are saying with their minds.
If you don't believe that, then consider a baby dedication. Our pastor speaks the word over the lives of babies who are dedicated in our church. He states that 'even though their minds don't understand, their spirits do'. So why do we think that the blessings we speak over them count, but the negative things we say don't count? Some people call their spirited kids 'little monsters'. Then they say they were just joking. It doesn't really matter if you are joking or not - your words have power. If you have a gun that you think is UNloaded (but really IS loaded) and point it at somebody and pull the trigger, you will put a bullet in them. You saying, "I didn't really mean to shoot them- I was just joking around" will not change the fact that you have inflicted a bullet wound upon them! It's the same with your words - which are FAR more powerful and impactful spiritually than a bullet is in the natural.
Standing at the Precipice
Thoughts of the empty nest first began to hit me when Sara was about 14. I only had four more years, and she would be gone. I blinked, and that little blonde, pony-tailed child had become a young woman. How could I have missed that?!?!?!? But it happened. I started to regret the lost moments in the earlier years, when I had to expend a lot of energy trying to break through my own issues resulting from years of abuse and generational dysfunction. Some people scoffed at me for starting to feel anxious four years before “it” would happen, but I’m glad because it made me start to realize the preciousness of every day I had left with her. Cherish the moments you have with your kid, even if it seems to be laborious and monotonous! I guarantee that a time will come when you will regret lost moments!
I encourage you to think about what I've shared regarding time and words. Even if you don't have kids, the same thing applies to spouses. God created the world with the spoken word, and our words are empowered by the same Spirit. So what kind of 'world' have you created for your kids, your family, your church, your city?
And, what kind of account are you going to have to give on the day of judgment for your words. If judgment day was today, what would your moment in the spotlight look like?
Lastly, are you in such a hurry for your kids to grow up that you are 'missing the moment'? It might seem all glitzy and glamory... but remember: everything that glitters is not gold.
So, back to the story. What did I do? What did God teach me? I will tell you tomorrow...
I’d like to expound a little about some things that God has taught me as He has walked me through being a parent and especially the PROCESS of the ‘empty nest’. It is a process that – I’ve learned- starts long before they leave. Everyone with whom I’ve shared this has told me how much it has helped them. I know several people who have kids who will be graduating this year and I’ve also shared some of these things with others whose kids are already gone, but who are struggling. If your kids younger, I still encourage you to read on. They WILL grow up - and it will happen before you know it! It’s never too early to start preparing your heart for that day. As I said, the process starts long before the senior year!
There are some other thoughts thrown in there, too ...at least in this post. Can't help the bunny trails, be it in the pulpit or on the page. :)
One last thought going in: Every parent is different, every child is different, every situation is different. I’m not foolish enough to think that what I’m about to share is the ‘across-the-board’ answer for every parent and every situation. But it was the answer for my situation, and my experience in sharing it tells me that there is something helpful that can be gleaned from this story.
The Beginning…
My daughter, Sara, is amazing. She ‘beat the statistics’ of being raised in a single-parent home. A little background for those who aren’t familiar with the story: Her father left us three times over a two-year span, starting at the age of two. He left us for the last time just before she turned four. Basically, I gave my life to the Lord, and he didn’t like that. His claim was, “I don’t want anything to do with God, or anything to do with anyone who has anything to do with God.” The ultimatum was cast – I needed to choose between being married to him or serving God. I told him that I didn’t want him to go, but there was no way I could turn my back on God. So he left. I’m not sorry…even though God hates divorce. It wasn’t my choice. But clearly I would not be the person I am today if I had not walked through what I had to walk through. God works all things together for good, for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. I’m not under bondage.
I had the most wonderful (but sometimes trying) 15 years of my life, raising my Sara. I made my fair share of mistakes just like everyone does. God graced me to be Sara’s mother, and He graced her even more to be my daughter! Her life is a testimony that ‘statistics’ only have the power over your life that you allow them to have. Stop prophesying the ‘terrible twos’ and ‘terrible teens’ over your kids – unless that is what you want for them- and for yourself. “Well, Pastor Peg, that’s easy for you to say…Sara’s temperament is not like my kid’s.” Maybe not, but you must not give your opinion more credence than what the bible says in Proverbs 18:20-21 (Amplified Bible):
20 A man's [moral] self shall be filled with the fruit of his mouth; and with the consequence of his words he must be satisfied [whether good or evil].
21Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life].
And the bunny trail begins:
Watch your words. This verse is not just about being alive (as opposed to dying)…it’s about living the life that Christ died to provide for you and your family. Nowhere in the bible do you hear about terrible twos or teens, so claim God’s promises for your kids, and stop claiming the devil’s desire for your family! I understand that all kids are born with different temperaments, but I don't believe that this fact negates what the Word of God so plainly says! Your kids hear what you say, and their spirits understand even if they are too young to really comprehend what you are saying with their minds.
If you don't believe that, then consider a baby dedication. Our pastor speaks the word over the lives of babies who are dedicated in our church. He states that 'even though their minds don't understand, their spirits do'. So why do we think that the blessings we speak over them count, but the negative things we say don't count? Some people call their spirited kids 'little monsters'. Then they say they were just joking. It doesn't really matter if you are joking or not - your words have power. If you have a gun that you think is UNloaded (but really IS loaded) and point it at somebody and pull the trigger, you will put a bullet in them. You saying, "I didn't really mean to shoot them- I was just joking around" will not change the fact that you have inflicted a bullet wound upon them! It's the same with your words - which are FAR more powerful and impactful spiritually than a bullet is in the natural.
The truth of the matter is our mouths are oftentimes 'loose canons' and we don't want to take responsibility for the idle words that we speak, or for the effects of them. Jesus Himself warned us in Matthew 12:36 that we will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every idle word we speak. Why don't we believe Him? How can we be so arrogant to think that this doesn't apply to us?
I digress...
Standing at the Precipice
Thoughts of the empty nest first began to hit me when Sara was about 14. I only had four more years, and she would be gone. I blinked, and that little blonde, pony-tailed child had become a young woman. How could I have missed that?!?!?!? But it happened. I started to regret the lost moments in the earlier years, when I had to expend a lot of energy trying to break through my own issues resulting from years of abuse and generational dysfunction. Some people scoffed at me for starting to feel anxious four years before “it” would happen, but I’m glad because it made me start to realize the preciousness of every day I had left with her. Cherish the moments you have with your kid, even if it seems to be laborious and monotonous! I guarantee that a time will come when you will regret lost moments!
I encourage you to think about what I've shared regarding time and words. Even if you don't have kids, the same thing applies to spouses. God created the world with the spoken word, and our words are empowered by the same Spirit. So what kind of 'world' have you created for your kids, your family, your church, your city?
And, what kind of account are you going to have to give on the day of judgment for your words. If judgment day was today, what would your moment in the spotlight look like?
Lastly, are you in such a hurry for your kids to grow up that you are 'missing the moment'? It might seem all glitzy and glamory... but remember: everything that glitters is not gold.
So, back to the story. What did I do? What did God teach me? I will tell you tomorrow...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Greetings from a God-lover!
I love God. Jehovah-God, that is. Not one of those 'other' gods that claim to be God. There is only one true God - and that is Jehovah!
I just returned from a ministry trip to Africa - South Africa and Kenya, to be exact. I've travelled a lot and have been both places before, but there was something really special about this trip. It's as if I received an increased dose of spiritual passion. As if all my spiritual senses were infused with a double-dose of intensity. I wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING - except maybe more of the same or something greater.
It's been a rough year for me, to say the least. At first, it seemed as if it was a year of great loss. I lost my job, lost my home, had to sell nearly all of my possessions, and my daughter graduated from high school and moved halfway across the country - all within a few weeks. I'm not a material person at all, but I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. A lot. Especially the part where I didn't wake up to see my beautiful daughter every morning...(or, in the summer, every noontime :) ).
But now, after this trip, I see it more as a year of great gain. Freedom from a job that I really hated, which drained the life out of me every single day; freedom from financial obligations which would tie me down to one place; freedom from having a bunch of stuff to dust :). As for my daughter - well, it is harder for me to swallow, but I would have to say freedom from the responsibility to be a guardian over her life. I spent almost two decades raising her and training her for the moment she would spread her wings...I should be happy for her and not sad for me. It is hard because being 'Sara's mom' was a huge part of my identity for 18 years, 9 months. I'm still her mom, and I will still watch over her life with a passion - if only from a distance. And, in some instances, only by invitation. But now, I can take the part of me that I spent on being the mother of a minor child and use it to pursue my own destiny. That is a painful, but necessary freedom. (But I'll always be your momMY, Sara, and I would die for you).
So I said all of that to say this: I am praying and believing my God to do what He said - to order my steps; to touch my lips with a coal from the fire of His altar; to reveal His secrets to me, His servant; that I may call upon Him, and He will answer me and show me great and mighty things that I do not know of; to do exceeding, abundantly above all that I could ever ask or think; to give me the heathen for an inheritance; to be my Father and my husband; to provide all of my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus; that I might do exploits and make His name famous...the list goes on and on and on...just like His faithfulness.
I expect nothing less...and even more. Because I count all things but loss, that I might know Him...in the power of His resurrection as well as the fellowship of His suffering. Because He knows the thoughts He has for me...thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give me a future and a hope.
I invite you to listen in to His whispers to me...and I hope you will follow along with me, as I follow Christ.
I just returned from a ministry trip to Africa - South Africa and Kenya, to be exact. I've travelled a lot and have been both places before, but there was something really special about this trip. It's as if I received an increased dose of spiritual passion. As if all my spiritual senses were infused with a double-dose of intensity. I wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING - except maybe more of the same or something greater.
It's been a rough year for me, to say the least. At first, it seemed as if it was a year of great loss. I lost my job, lost my home, had to sell nearly all of my possessions, and my daughter graduated from high school and moved halfway across the country - all within a few weeks. I'm not a material person at all, but I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. A lot. Especially the part where I didn't wake up to see my beautiful daughter every morning...(or, in the summer, every noontime :) ).
But now, after this trip, I see it more as a year of great gain. Freedom from a job that I really hated, which drained the life out of me every single day; freedom from financial obligations which would tie me down to one place; freedom from having a bunch of stuff to dust :). As for my daughter - well, it is harder for me to swallow, but I would have to say freedom from the responsibility to be a guardian over her life. I spent almost two decades raising her and training her for the moment she would spread her wings...I should be happy for her and not sad for me. It is hard because being 'Sara's mom' was a huge part of my identity for 18 years, 9 months. I'm still her mom, and I will still watch over her life with a passion - if only from a distance. And, in some instances, only by invitation. But now, I can take the part of me that I spent on being the mother of a minor child and use it to pursue my own destiny. That is a painful, but necessary freedom. (But I'll always be your momMY, Sara, and I would die for you).
So I said all of that to say this: I am praying and believing my God to do what He said - to order my steps; to touch my lips with a coal from the fire of His altar; to reveal His secrets to me, His servant; that I may call upon Him, and He will answer me and show me great and mighty things that I do not know of; to do exceeding, abundantly above all that I could ever ask or think; to give me the heathen for an inheritance; to be my Father and my husband; to provide all of my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus; that I might do exploits and make His name famous...the list goes on and on and on...just like His faithfulness.
I expect nothing less...and even more. Because I count all things but loss, that I might know Him...in the power of His resurrection as well as the fellowship of His suffering. Because He knows the thoughts He has for me...thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give me a future and a hope.
I invite you to listen in to His whispers to me...and I hope you will follow along with me, as I follow Christ.
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