Some lessons from my life, Part Two

As the title reflects, this entry is part two in a series regarding some parenting issues, specifically the 'empty nest' experience; however, this nugget of truth that the Lord taught me can really apply to a lot of situations, not just the empty nest. It can also help explain why its hard to let go of many things - bad habits, toxic relationships, addictions, etc.

If you haven't read part one, it may be beneficial to scroll down and read it. I'm telling the story of the process I went through with my daughter, Sara, as the time was nearing for her to go off on her own.

Standing on the Precipice, continued from Part One

When Sara turned 16, I talked with Pastor Steve about my growing anxiety regarding her pending exodus from our household. He gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever received. He shared about his and Molly’s personal experience with their children. He said that he was blindsided when Danielle (his oldest) left, because he hadn’t prepared his heart in advance for letting her go. With Jona (his youngest), he began to prepare his heart in advance. “Start letting her go now, a little at a time, in appropriate ways. You must begin to prepare your heart now, because the next couple of years will fly by.” I didn’t want to do it…I didn’t know how to do it…but I prayed and asked God to teach me how to do it! Letting go of your children goes against every maternal instinct. I think that in a two-parent home it is easier than it is for single mothers, because the married moms have the benefit of having the balance of the father’s strength and paternal perspective. I'm really grateful to have a pastor who is willing to share his insight with the single mothers in our church!

“It” Happened

August 15, 2008. That is when “it” happened. “It” would have been hard enough to experience letting Sara go, without having just lost my job five weeks before she left, and my home the week before she left. I think I really handled it pretty well, all things considered. In a way, losing my job actually made the last five weeks before she left great, because I didn’t have to be away from her every day. We had the time to get things in order for her big move. Driving her to the airport in Columbus alone was hard, but not nearly as bad as the two-hour torture of driving back home without her. Watching her go through security by herself and then turning and walking away was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I don’t want to sound like a drama queen, but during the walk from the airport terminal to my car, I swear her entire life flashed before my eyes. I held it together until I got into my car and then I totally fell apart. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone than I did in that moment. I wish someone would have offered to come with me!

Strange as it may seem (to me, anyway), Sara did not appear to be tortured the slightest bit over this huge lifetime milestone. She is a social butterfly and was excited to embark on a new adventure. I was not sharing the same excitement, and there was absolutely no sense of adventure to be found in my heart - or anywhere else in me. Only grief and sorrow. Thank God for unlimited texting and free In-Calling! The first couple of weeks the interns were not allowed to make calls or texts except to their parents. I kept my phone with me every second of every day, just hoping to hear her voice. I started to wonder if something was wrong with her phone, because mine wasn’t ringing very much. My heart just totally sank. I would text her, and she would text me back with these really brief, one-word replies. I knew she was busy, but didn’t she miss me? Wasn’t she anxious to talk to me, like I was to her? When we did talk, there just didn’t seem to be that reciprocity of joy that I expected! (ha ha ha…I’m laughing now). She is 2000 miles away…we won’t see each other for four months…is there not ANY sorrow in Texas?!?! Maybe things would change when she got settled into her routine. NOPE. Ok…let’s set a time every week for us to talk. How about Sunday afternoons, which is guaranteed free time for her? NOPE. Her pastors/my friends, Dan and Sandee Chase, would begin to get on her case to call me. NOPE. Pulling teeth with tweezers would be easier!

I have to say that I started getting a complex. I know that Sara loves me, but there seemed to be a HUGE disparity here! Why am I so tortured, and why does she not seem to be bothered a bit by this major life-change? Is there something wrong with me? Am I really a horrible mom and she’s just glad to get away from me? Maybe I’m mentally ill! Could that be it? In my heart I didn’t really believe any of these things, but my mind was becoming the stage for this tragic portrayal of parenting gone bad. My heart was broken and my spirit was crushed…why do I feel so empty, and will this torment ever end? If I’m going to be honest (which is my goal here, because painting some kind of flawless picture of myself won’t do anyone any good and no one would believe it anyway) I’d have to say this: the fact that it didn’t bother Sara bothered me as much as anything. ORPHAN THINKING! Maybe I should have had two kids, like the Paynes, so I could let go of the first one while still having the second one to fall back on while I figured it out….(no….BAD PLAN! Ha ha).

I prayed and prayed and prayed…and finally, a few frenzied months into the process, I heard from God. I’m wondering how long the ‘hotline from heaven’ had been ringing before I took the call. Probably for some time, but I couldn’t hear it over the internal wailing in my soul. I wish I knew this wisdom going in, because it sure would have saved me a lot of grief and wasted energy agonizing over the shadow of a lie! This is one of the reasons why I'm so excited to share this with you. I'm telling you, this nugget will really, really help you in many different ways if you will heed what I'm going to say. Not because it was some bright idea of mine, but because the Lord explained it to me. He IS the 'manual'!

I'll share the nugget in my next post. I hope you will sign up to follow this blog - thanks for reading!