Conclusion...Some lessons learned from my life, Part Four

The following is the conclusion to a four-part series...I suggest you read the previous three so that this one makes sense to you. Click on "more posts" at the bottom of the page to find the older ones.


Letting Go

So, I’ve come to the place that I’m ok with Sara being off on her own…not that I don’t miss her terribly! It’s official - we miss each other, but we have made some adjustments and are learning to function in our new place of relationship! My recent missions trip to South Africa and Kenya really helped to push me over the edge (in a good way). What does the trip have to do with any of this? Plain and simple (and somewhat painful to admit): it put me in a place where my focus was no longer on myself, but was shifted onto God’s focus.


I’ve just shared with you the key to being able to let go of whatever it is that you need to let go of in your life. Shifting your focus to God’s focus. Pastor Steve used to tell me many years ago, “Don’t hold on to anything so tightly that you can’t let go of it in a moment’s notice, if God asks you to let it go.” How many things are we holding onto so tightly that we couldn’t let go of them? Material things? Relationships? Finances? Dreams? Titles? Ministries?

We have far more idols than we are willing to admit.
The bad thing is that most of the time, we don’t even realize it.

What's YOUR idol?

I had NO IDEA that so much of my identity was being “Sara’s mom”. I wasn’t even one of the obsessive moms who had to have their hands in every single thing going on. It’s not even that I didn’t understand that Sara belonged to God and I was just a steward. I understood that very well…probably better than most parents. But being a parent is so ingrained into every part of our life that it becomes like breathing: you don’t really notice it until it stops. Then panic sets in!

The same identity principle is applicable to many different areas: toxic relationships, addictions, even having a victim mentality. Many, many people seek deliverance but are unable to walk in it because of the identity crisis that ensues in their souls. If you were victimized as a child and grew up with that label, then it is really, really hard to break out of it as an adult. God can heal the wounds in your heart, but without a renewed mind that transforms “victim thinking” into “victorious thinking”, you will end up right back in the same emotional mess where you started. Even addictions are often hard to overcome because being an addict has become a part of your identity. The people you hang out with, places you go, and things you do as the result of your addiction become a part of your identity. Remove the addiction and everything that goes with it, and there goes your identity. Many people receive deliverance from the physiological part of the addiction, but just can’t renew their minds. Their focus is on their perceived loss, and not on the promises of God and the purpose of their lives in the kingdom of God.

Take a look at toxic relationships. There are people who bounce from one toxic relationship to another, because they find their identities in a relationship with the opposite sex. Women go from living with an abusive father to living with an abusive husband, many times because their identity is that of a victim of abuse. Break up with one person this week, and move in with a new one next week. Why? Many reasons, but I'm convinced that a big part of it is that the people involved don't know who they are as a single person. They cannot find their identity outside of being a 'significant other'. As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly. (Proverbs 26:11, Amplified Bible)

It’s not only just the ‘negative’ things that can envelop our identities. It can be a job (that GOD gave you), a ministry (that GOD called you to), a spouse (that GOD gave you)…the list can go on and on. I think that the reason that many people fizzle out upon retirement is because they have lost the identity that their careers provided. And, on the flip side, I wonder how many people are afraid to retire because their careers have become their identity – and they don’t know who they are without it. We have all heard stories about a widow(er) who passed away shortly after their longtime spouse passed away. People like to chalk it up to grief, but I'm not so sure. I think that in many cases it's because the loss of the spouse resulted in the loss of the survivor's identity. There have also been stories of wealthy people who have taken their own lives because they lost their ‘fortune’. Their ‘fortune’ had become their identity.

Jesus dealt with a rich young ruler in Luke 18 who had asked Him what he needed to do to inherit eternal life. Jesus listed out some of the ten commandments, and the young man replied that he had kept all of them, from his youth. But then Jesus took the challenge from the ‘obedience’ level to the ‘identity level’:

22 So when Jesus heard these things, He said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
23 But when he heard this, he became very sorrowful, for he was very rich.

I wonder if it wasn’t so much a money issue as it was an identity issue. His identity was wrapped up in his reputation as a wealthy man and his social status. Jesus knew that it was a heart issue for this young man. The man held onto it so tightly that he couldn’t let it go, not even to gain eternal life. But lets not be too quick to point fingers at the wealthy. Oftentimes the poor are worse than the rich when it comes to having their circumstance define their identity!

Is there anything that you are holding onto so tightly that you could not let it go in a moment’s notice, if God required it of you?

The End of the Matter

The matter at hand for me has been the process of the empty-nest syndrome. I wish I had this understanding a few years ago! I could have started to ‘wean’ myself away a little at a time. I'm not sure it is possible to NOT have a part of your identity come from being a parent. It would be very, very difficult to sow that much of yourself into something and have it NOT become a part of you. I think that just being aware of this tendency can go a long way to help you take steps to prevent it from becoming an unhealthy situation.


To be honest, I don’t have some 5-step plan that you can follow which guarantees success in this area. As I’ve stated from the beginning, every person is different and every situation is different. We all have to work it out on our own, through a relationship with Jehovah God. He promised that His Holy Spirit would teach us all things, and only He has the answers. Our job as ministers is to point the way to Him and to give biblical counsel to help you along on your life's journey.(If you need some help with this part, I can point you in the right direction! Just email me!) Even if you have made a mess of your life, it is NEVER too late! The bible says that He can make the crooked places straight!


I know these posts have been long, but I really didn't know how to make it any more concise without losing some of the story. I've really enjoyed sharing a part of my life with you! More than that, it's my prayer that the Holy Spirit has brought things to your attention in your own life, to help you to begin to renew your mind. We ALL have things in our lives that try to define our identity. We need to shift our focus off of ourselves and onto whatever it is that God's focus is upon! Let HIM define your identity!

Thanks for reading along and I hope that you come back for more! :)